War in the Woods: Fawnskin Squirrels Prepare

Above: Squirrel armor photo courtesy of Andy of Pit Bull Armory

Local squirrels in Fawnskin, California have decided they need to gear up against the holiday invasion of humans. In addition to storing massive quantities of squirrel snacks, the renegades rodents have commissioned the soon-to-be famous Andy of Pit Bull Armory to outfit their legions.

Squirrels are worried that visitors will not be amiable and may be armed with assorted weapons. Additional chattering has been heard over concerns that non-mountain residents are never careful about avoiding squirrels involved in the Olympic road dash events scheduled for this weekend.

One squirrelly source said, “They don’t value our events and ignore their importance–some have been seen to swerve in attempts to smash some of our best atheletes!”

Despite suggestions to do otherwise, the events have not been moved off of the main highways or roads, and none of the Olympic participants will be wearing armor–as it has been shown to slow them down considerably.

In addition to the protection from humans, the specially designed armor protects the squirrels from airborne attacks by the Blue Jay Squadron, rumored to now be based on the outskirts of Fawnskin, and from pine cones missles dropped on them by the sturdy forest sentries.

Witnesses say that it is actually the squirrels themselves that have created these booby traps that go off indescriminately on humans, animals, and the not-so-smart-squirrels. The origins of this strategy can be traced back to the 1850s.

The armor has not yet been tested against the coyote calvary, who often present a unified front in their pursuit of the squirrels. The calvary strategy is predicatable and they often launch squirrel attacks at dawn or dusk.

Debate exists as to whether the armor will protect the oversized rodents or actually slow them down and provide the coyote clan with an easy food source.

Beware ye residents of Fawnskin as this hare-brained idea is getting out of hand.

Confidential sources stated that this whole thing was started by the local rabbit rabble-rousers as a way to distract valley residents from seeing what is really happening in the woods–and to make the local residents forget about the holiday human visitor invasion!

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This entry was posted on Saturday, December 22nd, 2007 and is filed under Mountain Lake Resort.

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